Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR21-30/hum029

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Date:         Sun, 6 Mar 1994 05:58:18 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00029"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

HUMOR029
==========
Date:         Thu, 26 Aug 1993 14:20:03 -0400
From:         "SARAH M. LIBERMAN" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      IBM Joke (short)

Hi - this is another oldie, but I've been told IBM means

I've
Been
Misled
==========
Date:         Thu, 26 Aug 1993 15:10:00 EST
From:         "Sheila C. Tucker [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      different kind of modelling

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC  22269

Dear

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your recent application to
model and represent our product, Trojan Condoms.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of
Directors feels that your wearing of our product does not portray a
positive, romantic image for our product.  A loose, baggy and wrinkled
condom in NOT considered romantic.

We admire your efforts to firm it up by using Poli-Grip, but even then it
slipped off before we could get the photographs taken.  We would like to
note, however, that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle
grip until now.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time.  We will retain
the application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there
is a market for Micro-Mini Condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy to your wife and/or girlfriend.

Yours very truly,



Burly Dick, President
Trojan Condom Company

BD/pee

P.S. Remember our slogans:

    Cover your stump before you hump.
     Don't be silly; protect your willy.
     Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
     If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!
==========
Date:         Thu, 26 Aug 1993 16:15:18 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Cock a doodle doo, says roster for 46 in dock over cockfight

The Straits Times (Singapore) reports that police arrested 46 people
for illegal cock-fighting in Melaka recently.

Court interpreter Mohamad Jantan asked the 46 accused if they were sure
of their guilty pleas recorded earlier. Before they could answer, one
of the nine birds produced as exhibits in court gave a great big loud
crow!

After the laughter died down, magistrate Rozilah Salleh fined the
defedants RM60 each for staging the illegal cockfight at a rubber
estate.
==========
Date:         Thu, 26 Aug 1993 19:32:23 -0400
From:         "Brian K. Auger" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      S*** and Religion

RELIGIONS OF THE WORLD

TAOISM                  Shit happens
HARE KRISHNA            Shit happens rama rama ding ding
HINDUISM                This shit happened before
ISLAM                   If shit happens, it is the will of Allah
ZEN                     What is the sound of shit happening?
BUDDHISM                When shit happens, is it really shit?
CONFUCIANISM            Confucius say, "Shit happens"
7th DAY ADVENTISM       Shit happens on Saturdays
PROTESTANTISM           Shit won't happen if I work hard
CATHOLICISM             If shit happens, I deserve it
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS       Knock, knock.  "Shit happens".
UNITARIANISM            What is this shit?
MORMONISM               Shit happens again & again & again.
JUDAISM                 Why does this shit always happen to me?
RASTAFARIANISM          Let's smoke this shit!
==========
Date:         Fri, 27 Aug 1993 08:24:45 METDST
From:         Jan Kucera <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Wedding dish (sick)

Q. What is an ideal dish for wedding dinner?
A. Goulash made from the mothers-in-law.
==========
Date:         Fri, 27 Aug 1993 09:30:20 METDST
From:         Nico Verboven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      FINAL POST    && jokes-limerick-quotes

Hi, Humorists.

I enjoyed being a member of this most enternaining list.
I have to sign from this list due to some late exams.
And then there is the fact that my account will be removed because
it's the end of the academic year. :-( This will be my final posting. ;-(
So goodbye to you all and good health.

                                               Nico , from Belgium

P.S I'm moving on so I probably will be able to get an account
    elsewhere.
    I'll be back. -- Where did I heard that one? :)


-------------------------READ THIS FIRST PLEASE------------------------------
CONTENTS: - Joke: "God's vacation on earth"
          - 1 limerick
          - Joke : "Tiger: the greatest and strongest of all animals"
          - 4 quotes (*)

RATING:  All clean, a few of them contain mildly offensive language. (*)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
        "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
        "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
        "Well, how about Mercury?"
        "No, it's too hot there."
        "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
        "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
        He chuckled with mirth,
        For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just
felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he
just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared
at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"  And this
poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is
mightier than you."  A little while later this tiger confronts a deer,
and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE
JUNGLE ANIMALS?"  The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but
manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest
animal in the jungle."  The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an
elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top
of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a
blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a
nearby tree.  The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant
and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have
to get so pissed."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
quotes:

  " I came, I saw, I fucked up. "
                                -- Anon

  " A chicken doesn't stop scratching just because the worms are scarce."
                                -- John Peers

  " Be like a duck -- keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle
    like the devil under water. "
                                -- Anon

  " When your opponent is down, kick him. "
                                -- John Cameron
--
-------------------------[ Words Of Wisdom ]-----------------------------
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than
done.
==========
Date:         Fri, 27 Aug 1993 09:40:08 GMT-0100
From:         HOGNE SANDVIK <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Bergen
Subject:      More sick and tasteless humor

Q: Why do they boil water when a baby is to be born?
A: 'cause if it's dead, they can always make soup!
==========
Date:         Fri, 27 Aug 1993 12:15:03 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: different kind of modelling

More on condoms:

There was this guy complaining: "Your condoms don't just break, they even
BEND!!!".

-- Saul
==========
Date:         Fri, 27 Aug 1993 13:00:35 IST
From:         John Bastian/Johnny <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sex life of an electron

One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to
try to get a cute coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli Amp
and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across Wheastone
bridge, around the sine wave and stopped in a magnetic field by a
flowing current.

Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curves, decided
to engage in a little mutual inductance, and soon had her resistance
at a minimum  and his field fully excited. He laid her on the ground
potential, raised her frequency, lowered his capacitance, and pulled
out his high voltage probe. He inserted it into her tank circuit,
connecting them in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt.
Fully excited, Milli Amp cried, "MHO", MHO, it Hertz, but give me MHO".

With his tune operating at maximum amplitude, her coil vibrating from
the current flow, they soon reached plate saturation and found their
cutoff point. The heavy current flow made her tubes of anode very hot
and Micro Farad was rapidity discharged and drained of every electron.
They fluxed all night, trying various connections until his bar magnet
had lost all of its field strength and her grid was leaking; Later,
Milli Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoids. With his
battery fully discharged and his contacts corroded, Micro Farad was
unable to excite his generator, so they ended by reversing polarity
and blowing each others fuses.


                                 - an electron in the forbidden gap
==========
Date:         Fri, 27 Aug 1993 08:23:07 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Nothing like the sun <Shakespeare>

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun by William Shakespeare


My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
==========
Date:         Fri, 27 Aug 1993 13:38:31 +0100
From:         P S Gupta <[e-mail]>
Subject:      BLOW JOB !

Q. What did the storm tell the trees ?
A. Hold on to your NUTS, this is no ordinary BLOW-JOB !

- Pankaj
==========
Date:         Fri, 27 Aug 1993 09:22:15 EDT
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clean Religious Slam

One day a good Jewish couple were lamenting over their teenage
son wondering what would become of him in life.  Finally the
father came up with an idea.  On the credenza in the dining room,
he would place a $20.00 bill, a copy of the Old Testament and a
double shot of whiskey.  Then he and his wife would hide in the
closet when their son came home and watch to see what item he
would select.  If he took the $20.00 he would be a frugal and
successful businessman.  If he took the Old Testament he would
be a respected Rabbi.  And if he selected the whiskey he'd end
up a no-good stinking drunk bum -- but at least they'd know.

When all the items were layed out on the credenza the couple
hid in a nearby closet.  Not long after the teenage son arrived
home and walked into the dining room.  After looking over the
items layed out before him he picked up the $20.00 and stuffed
in his pocket.  He then picked up the Old Testament and placed
in under his arm.  Finally he picked up the glass of whiskey,
downed the contents and walked out the door.

The father began sobbing uncontrollably.  "Whatever's wrong?"
asked the mother.  And the man replied "Our son's going to be
a Catholic Priest!"

Kathleen Olivier
ADKO@NMUMUS
********************************************************
* When all is okay, and going your way,                *
* It's easy to smile, not frown.                       *
* But the person worthwhile, is the one who can smile, *
* When their sandwich falls jelly-side down.           *
********************************************************
==========
Date:         Fri, 27 Aug 1993 10:07:40 EDT
From:         "William A. Reitwiesner" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      "Yo Mama" jokes

Yo Mama so fat that when she wears an "X" jacket, helicopters land on her
back.

Yo Mama's lips so big that Chapstik invented a spray.

Yo Mama so fat that when she wears a red jacket the kids yell, "Hey, Kool-
Ade".

Yo Mama so dumb that when she went to the movies and saw the sign "Under 17
not admitted", she went home and got sixteen more people.
==========
Date:         Fri, 27 Aug 1993 11:37:57 -0400
From:         "Martin A. Thompson" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      slightly ethnic...crude

  Two women, one Irish and one Ukranian,
  are having tea late one Friday afternoon.
  The Irish women looks out the window and
  remarks... " ooooh! here comes Patty
  home from work with a lovely wee bunch
  of flowers! I guess I'll be expected to
  spend the weekend with me legs up in
  the air! ". The Ukranian women turns to her
  and asks, " WHAT??? You have no vase? ".
==========
Date:         Fri, 27 Aug 1993 14:35:43 -0500
From:         Steve Davis <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Heavenly irony

A New York tailor, devout Jew all his days, tries very hard to bring
up his children in the faith.  One day, his youngest son comes to him
and announces that he is becoming a Roman Catholic.  The tailor ponders
his misfortunes, trying to understand why such a thing should happen to
him.  In desolation, he seeks out his rabbi and confides in him.
"Rabbi," laments the tailor, "I do not understand.  I have a son, a
good Jewish boy, brought up in the faith.  We observed, we attended,
we did everything for the boy, and yet he decides to become a Catholic.
How can this thing be?"
"My friend," says the rabbi, "you WOULDN'T believe, but I must tell you.
I, too, have a son, a good Jewish boy, brought up here in the synagogue
in the faith.  Yet, he also became a Catholic. Who is to know?  The
Almighty has his reasons.  All we can do is pray to Him for answers."
With that, the two of them set forth in devout prayer.
Suddenly, the lights dim, the walls shake, and God's voice fills the
room.  "Let me tell you two, you WOULDN'T believe, but I had a son,
a good Jewish boy..."
==========
Date:         Fri, 27 Aug 1993 20:39:45 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Heavenly irony


Roses are reddish
Violets are Blueish
If it wasn't for Jesus,
We'd all be Jewish

(From a book of "Best Jewish Jokes"; apologies to anyone who might be
 offended).
==========
Date:         Fri, 27 Aug 1993 16:36:00 EDT
From:         "Rich.Carl" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bathroom humor

Seen on the wall above the urinal:

"Why look up here? The joke is in your hand."

           * * * * * * * * * * *

Seen on the side of a septic tank pumping truck:

"We're Number One in the Number Two business."
==========
Date:         Fri, 27 Aug 1993 17:44:39 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Yet another sign (clean)

Seen in a shoe repair shop this afternoon:

                All work will be
              done after 4:00 p.m.
                on the date due.
                   Thank you
==========
Date:         Fri, 27 Aug 1993 20:01:53 -0400
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Product warnings (from Wendy) (fwd)

                               WARNING

This Product Attractts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional
to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Square
of the Distance between Them.


                      HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE

This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at
Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour.


                                NOTE

The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a
"Gluing" Force About Which Little Is Currently Known, and Whose Adhesive
Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.


                             ATTENTION

Despite any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer
Is Advised That, In Actuality, this Product Consists of 99.9999999999%
Empty Space.


                         IMPORTANT NOTICE TO
                            PURCHASERS

The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day
Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space.  Should Another
Universe Subsequently Emerge, the Existence of this Product in that
Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
==========
Date:         Sat, 28 Aug 1993 22:08:03 -0400
From:         "Brian K. Auger" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sexually offensive

A woman on an African safari strays from the group and is grabbed by a
baboon and raped.  Rescued, she is rushed back to the States, where it
takes her nearly a month to come out of the shock.  A friend visits.
"Don't you think it would help to talk about it?", she asks.

"What's to say?" the woman sighs sadly.  "It's been four weeks--he doesn't
call, he doesn't write...

Brian Auger                          [e-mail]
==========
Date:         Sun, 29 Aug 1993 01:16:04 MST
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Politics (G)

Heard on a late night comedy show.....

"Democrats see the glass of water as half empty.  Republicans
 see it and say, 'Who the hell drank half my water?!'"

==========
Date:         Mon, 30 Aug 1993 10:01:08 GMT-0100
From:         HOGNE SANDVIK <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Bergen
Subject:      Slightly ethnic

A young Italian had stayed at the YMCA hotel in London. He
wasn't satisfied with his stay, and sent this complaint to the
manager:

Dear Signore Direttore.
Now I am tella you story wot I was a-treated at your hotella.
I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a
younga christian man at your hotella. When I comma to my room
I see there is no sheet on my bed. So I calla down to
receptione and tella:
- I wanta sheet.
They tella me:
- You go to toilet.
- No, no you don't understanda me. I wanta sheet in my bed!
- You better not shit in your bed, you son of a bitch!
What is sonna-wa-beach?
I ago downe for breakfast in ristorante. I order egg and bacon
and two pieces of toast. I getta only one piece of toast. I
tella waitress and point at toast:
- I wanta piece!
She tella me:
- You go to the toilet.
- No, no I wanta piece on my plate!
- You bloody well not piss on the plate! You go to the toilet!
Why is your staff always saying "Go to toilet?" Is that a
modern British tella? You know, I am 23 years old and I know
for myself when I wanta go to toilet.
Then in the evening I ago downe to ristorante for dinner.
Spoon and knife is laid out on the table. But no fork. I tella
waitress:
- I wanta fork!
And she tella me:
- Sure, everybody wanta fuck.
- No,no you don't understand me. I wanta fork on the table.
- So you want to fuck on this table? Get your ass out of here!
How comma this christian hotella tella the guests in such a
bad manner? So I go down to receptione and ask for bill. I no
wanta stay in this hotella no morro. When I have a-paid the a-
billa the portier say to me:
- Thank you, and peace on you.
I say:
- Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-beach, I now go back to Italy.
Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no morro, you
sonna-wa-beach.

Sincerely,
Luigi Brampiano, Roma

**********************************************************************
Hogne Sandvik                       Internet: [e-mail]
Division for General Practice                    Voice: [phone]
University of Bergen, Norway                       Fax: [phone]
**********************************************************************
==========
Date:         Mon, 30 Aug 1993 11:26:49 EDT
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Burma Shave ads <Americana 1950s>

BURMA-SHAVE from roadside signs

The format was to have each line on a separate fence-post sign.  The driver
& passengers would see the signs and would read each line as they approached
each sign. There were a few of these sign left in the 1950s when I was a kid.
Burma-Shave is a shaving cream product.  The coming of the high speed 4+ lane
highway undid this clever form of advertising.  Source: Smithsonian Magazine.

Every shaver                        His tenor voice
Now can snore                       She thought divine
Six more minutes                    Till whishers
Than before                         Scratched
By using                            Sweet Adeline
Burma-Shave                         Burma-Shave


Does your husband                   The whale
Misbehave                           Put Jonah
Grunt and grumble                   Down the hatch
Rant and rave                       But coughed him up
Shoot the brute                     Because he scratched
Some Burma-Shave                    Burma-Shave


Are your whiskers                   If Crusoe'd
When you wake                       Kept his chin
Tougher than                        More Tidy
A two-bit steak?                    He might have found
Try                                 A lady Friday
Burma-Shave                         Burma-Shave


Shaving brush                       Ben
All wet                             Met Anna
And hairy                           Made a hit
I've passed you up                  Neglected beard
For sanitary                        Ben-Anna split
Burma-Shave                         Burma-Shave


The answer to                       Whiskers long
A maiden's                          Made Samson strong
Prayer                              But Samson's gal
Is not a chin                       She done
Of stubby hair                      Him wrong
Burma-Shave                         Burma-Shave


Within this vale                    "'Round the curve
Of toil                             Car was whizzin'
And sin                             Fault was her'n
Your head grows bald                Funeral his'n
But not your chin--use              Burma-Shave
Burma-Shave


He had the ring
He had the flat
But she felt his chin
And that
Was that
Burma-Shave


 Pity all
The mighty Caesars
They pulled
Each whisker out
With tweezers
Burma-Shave


Cutie invited
Varsity hop
Guy full of whiskers
Party a flop
Burma-Shave

==========
Date:         Mon, 30 Aug 1993 12:25:30 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      10 commandments humorously done in verse

KEEPING THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
by Arthur Hugh Clough (1819-1861)

Thou shalt have one God only, who
Would be at the expense of two?
No graven images may be
Worshipped, except the currency:
Swear not at all, for thy curse
Thine enemy is none the worse:
At church on Sunday to attend
Will serve to keep the world thy frield:
Honour thy parents; that is, all
From whom advancement may befall:
Thou shalt not kill; but needst not strive
Officiously to keep alive.
Do not adultery commit
Advantage rarely comes of it.
Thou shalt not steal; an empty feat,
When it's so lucrative to cheat.
Bear not false witness; let the lie
Have time on its own wings to fly:
Thou shalt not covet: but tradition
Approves all forms of competition.
The sum of all is, thou shalt love,
If any body, God above:
At any rate shall never labour
More than thyself to love thy neighbour.
==========
Date:         Mon, 30 Aug 1993 13:09:58 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Pat Nixon joke <extremely insensitive>

THIS ONE IS TASTELESS, INSENSITIVE, DISRESPECTFUL ...

What would Pat Nixon be doing if she was alive today?

Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
==========
Date:         Mon, 30 Aug 1993 13:15:47 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Burma Shave ads <Americana 1950s>
After about 40 years, *I* still remember this one:

I know he's a wolf
Said Riding Hood
But, Gran'ma dear,
He SMELLS so good.
        --Burma Shave
==========
Date:         Mon, 30 Aug 1993 13:57:48 -0400

From:         Mike Shockley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Midget sex joke

        Okay, I *just* made this up, so don't be TOO critical.

What do you call a female midget who's nice and gives head?
Short, sweet, and to the point!!  :>
==========
Date:         Mon, 30 Aug 1993 15:05:00 EDT
From:         Paul Kramer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another Burma Shave Quatrain

This goes back to about 1953.

    Round the curve
    Lickety split.
    Nice car
    Wasn't it.

       Burma Shave


Paul Kramer
SUNY College of Technology
Farmingdale, NY
==========
Date:         Mon, 30 Aug 1993 20:30:06 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      I wouldn't have bothered calling... (fwd)

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Mon, 30 Aug 1993 18:44:38 -0400 (EDT)
From: [e-mail]
Subject: I wouldn't have bothered calling...

I ordered 2 Megs of RAM.  They arrived on Friday.

On Monday, I had the following conversation with the
people from whom I bought them.

"Hello, this is MacCenter, how can I help you?"

"I ordered two Megs of RAM last week and I received them but I'm
having trouble getting them out of the package."

"What seems to be the problem?"

"They're encased in a laser printer."

<silence>
"Oh my goodness!"
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 12:08:00 +0300
From:         Robert Werman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      ANOTHER-PRODUCT

Not Burma Shave but amusing, circa 1940,

Don't dispair,
Use your head and not your hair,
Use Fitch Shampoo


__Bob Werman
[e-mail]
Jerusalem
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 08:48:58 EST
From:         ROBERT RYAN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A Young Marine and visitng General     (clean)

        A young man who had just recently joined the Marines had lost his
rifle on the day before a big inspection by a visiting general.  However,
being very adept at woodcarving, he set about making a replacement.  The
paint had just dried when it was time for the inspection.  He prayed that
his fake would not be inspected too closely.
        When his platoon was told to fire in unison, he made all the right
motions and figured no one would notice, but the visiting general happened
to be looking right at him and saw that no smoke came from the gun.
        The general came over and said, "Soldier, you didn't fire your gun.
This is an official inspection.  You were to fire the gun and then dismantle
it for my personal inspection."
        The young man was horror stricken but only for a moment and then he
replied, "Sir, today is the anniversary of the day that my father died.  On
his deathbed, he made me promise never to fire a gun on this day.  I have
kept that oath and I can not fire the gun."
        The general was enraged.  "I'm going to inspect that gun and then
you, boy, are going to fire it.  That's an order!"  He reached for the
gun.
        The young man handed him the gun and said, "I pray to the Almighty,
Sir, that, for making me break my oath to my dear father, this gun be changed
into wood!"


Credit: Pam, The joke master.
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 09:24:50 -0400
From:         Itchy 'N' Scratchy <[e-mail]>

Subject: marketing R

Male PR rep: Do you want to see my Big Debut?

Female PR rep: If you show me your Big Debut
               I'll show you my Grand Opening.
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 16:54:23 TSI
From:         Babur Saylan <[e-mail]>
Subject:      From Turkey again

First, I must answer my friend for this stupid man who can't count to
twenty one: he probably count to txenty three with your method|||
The man was too ugly, he subscribe in a list of lonely people and send
his foto. A week later, a response come from the list: 'We are not so
lonely|'
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 10:04:34 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sexual Content

Sexual Content

There was this Texan in Paris, using the sidewalk pissoir.  This dandy
little Frenchie comes up beside him and starts ogling the Texan's manhood.
Well, Tex doesn't like that and yells at the fruit:  "Say, Bo!"
The Frenchman replies:  "C'est beau?  Oh, non, monsieur, C'est Magnifique!"
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 10:35:42 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Being a good neighbor <poem>

SUBURBAN by John Ciardi

Yesterday Mrs. Friar phoned.  "Mr. Ciardi,
     how do you do?" she said.  "I am sorry to say

this is isn't exactly a social call.  The fact is
     your dog has just deposited--forgive me--

a large repulsive object in my petunias."


I thought to ask, "Have you checked the rectal grooving
     for positive I. D.?"  My dog, as it happened,

was in Vermont with my son, who had gone fishing--
     if that's what one does with a girl, two cases of beer,

and a borrowed camper.  I guessed I'd get no trout.


But why lose out on organic gold for a wise crack?
     "Yes, Mrs. Friar," I said, "I understand."

"Most kind of you," she said.  "Not at all," said.
     I went with a spade.  She pointed, looking away.

"I always have loved dogs," she said, "but really!"


I scooped it up and bowed.  "The animal of it.
     I hope this hasn't upset you, Mrs. Friar."

"Not really," she said, "but really!"  I bore the turd
     across the line to my own petunias

and buried it till the glorious resurrection
when even these suburbs shall give up their dead.
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 16:03:59 +0100
From:         P S Gupta <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clean humor !

The inspection was due the next day. And this new army recruit
was worried because one of his window panes was broken. All he
could think of was remove the remaining pieces of glass and make
it look like a clear pane. The next day the inspector checked
his cabin & started to leave. Suddenly , pointing to the  broken
pane he said "Next time I want all panes as clear as that one."
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 11:45:26 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: From Turkey again
On Tue, 31 Aug 1993, Babur Saylan wrote:

> First, I must answer my friend for this stupid man who can't count to
> twenty one: he probably count to txenty three with your method|||
> The man was too ugly, he subscribe in a list of lonely people and send
> his foto. A week later, a response come from the list: 'We are not so
> lonely|'

WTF??!!
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 09:27:55 -0700
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.A

-----------------------------------------------------------------

This is related by a recent emigre from the USSR, according to
a recent issue of "World Press Review":

     One colllld winter, a rumor went around that a certain butcher shop
would have meat for sale the next day. By very early the next morning, a
long queue had formed outside of the butcher shop.
     At 8 o'clock an official came out briefly and announced, "Well, comrades,
I'm afraid there's not enough meat for everybody here. Would all of the
Jews leave?"
     They did, and the line was shortened somewhat.
     At 11 o'clock the official came out again and announced, "Well,
comrades, I'm afraid there's still not enough meat for all. Would all of
the non-party members please leave?"
     They did, and the line was shortened again.
     At 2 o'clock, the official came out again. "There's still not enough
meat for all of you! Would all those who did not defend our great country
from the fascist German intruder leave?"
     Once again, the line was considerably shortened.
     At 5 o'clock, the official announcement was, "There's still not enough!
Would all those who did not participate in the liberation of our people
from the terrors of the Czar leave!"
     This included just about everybody.
     Finally, at 8 o'clock in the evening, the official came out again.
The only people left in line were three half-frozen old men. He told them,
"There isn't any meat."
     The old men moved slowly away, grumbling among themselves -
     "Those Jews get the best of everything!!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

        Another example of Fashion Victimization is this trend toward
    paying good money for pre-scuzzed ratty-looking garments that earlier,
    less fashion-conscious generations such as your mother's would have
    used to wipe the toilet tank.
        I was in a fashion store the other day, and they were selling
    blue jeans $55 a pair, which would not be unusual, except that these
    jeans had HOLES in them. On PURPOSE. They are imported from Italy,
    where a person is PAID to put holes in them. They are called
    "destroyed" jeans, and they are part of a raging international trend
    toward a leisure-wear "look" that was previously available only
    to the rural poor.
        The question is: Why not take the next logical step? Why not
    prerub dirt into shirt collars? Why not hand-paste flakes of designer
    dandruff onto jackets? Why not SET FIRE to the jeans, right at the
    factory, and simply sell, for $55 each, wallet-sized certificates
    stating that a pair of jeans had been hand-destroyed in the bearer's
    name?
        ridiculous, you say? You're right. Your true Fashion Victim
    would pay a LOT more than $55 for such a certificate.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"One size fits all."
Just who is this "all" person anyway,
and why is he wearing my clothes?
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 13:26:55 EDT
From:         Bill Prokasy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Story:  The Flawed Dean

Floating around dean circles some years ago...

The President of Ask U. conducted a review of the Arts and Sciences dean.
The results of the review were nothing short of remarkable: the dean
seemed to be someone who could do no wrong.  Not only were department
heads happy with him, faculty praised his virtues, and students went out
of the way to remark about the dean's compassionate and caring style.
Moreover, the dean not only maintained his scholarly research at a high
quality level, but taught an occasional course because he enjoyed it.

The President was pleased, but was skeptical--how could there be a dean so
popular that no one said an unkind or critical word about him?  Was this
an illusion or was he truly unflawed?  He prevailed on one of his
professors of management to find out whether or not the dean was, as the
review suggested, virtually perfect.  The Professor called the Dean, told
him he had heard that the Dean had a good management style and wished to
spend some informal time talking about how a dean's office can be run
well.  The Dean agreed, and the next morning the two of them took a stroll
on the pathway around the lake in the center of campus.

The Dean described his style to the Professor, but the Professor was
puzzled that there seemed to be nothing extraordinary about it.  Finally,
the Professor asked the Dean if he could give a good example of how he
could make things work so well.  The Dean promptly walked off the path, on
the water half way across the lake and then walked back.  The astounded
Professor was assured by the Dean that, yes, what he thought he had seen
he had seen.  The Professor, concerning about possible deception in the
location of the walk on the water, then suggested that the Dean do it
again but at a location specified by the Professor.  The Dean not only
agreed, but did it: walked on the water half way across the lake and back
again.

The next day the President received a letter from the Professor which
said:  "Dear Mr. President:  Following extensive review, my conclusion is
that despite the report you received you are going to have to get a new
Dean.  The one you have doesn't know how to swim."

William F. Prokasy           Phone: [phone]
108 Old College              FAX:   [phone]
Athens, GA 30602             Internet: [e-mail]
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 13:35:36 -0400
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A Few Good Ones, Offensive language

Sorry if this is too long.  But hey, it's Tuesday, give a girl a break.

A panda walks into a whorehouse and picks out a girl that takes him to her
room. They begin their act and when the panda is ready he put on his
clothes and then the whore says: "Hey, my money!"

The Panda replies: "What money?"

The whore says: "I'm a pleasure girl. You must pay me."

Panda says: "I don't know what a pleasure girl is."

The whore says: "Look it up in the enclyclopedia."

The panda looks it up and reads "Pleasure girl - Gets paid for a fuck."

The panda says: "I'm a panda I don't have to pay."

The whore is supprised and asked: "Why?"

The panda replies: "Look it up in the enclyclopedia."

The whore looks it up and reads "Panda - Eats bushes and leaves."


-----


If a gay couple and a lesbian couple had to go from New York to San Fran.,
who would get there first?



The Lesbians., 'Cause there doing 69 while the fags are still packing their
shit.


-----

A husband and wife are lying in bed.  The husband reaches over, pokes
his wife on the shoulder, and says,
  "Hey, honey.  You wanna?"
  "Sorry dear", she replies, "I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow
  and I want to stay fresh."
So the husband lays back down for a while.  A few minutes later, he
reaches over and pokes his wife again.
  "Hey, honey", he says, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?"

-------

  There once was a rooster, Rodney the Rooster, who was the horniest
animal on the farm.  One day, Farmer MacGregor came into the henhouse
and found that Rodney had humped all the hens and was starting over
again.

  "Rodney," said Farmer MacGregor, "one of these days you're going to
hump yourself to death."

  Rodney just smiled and went on humping.

  The next week, Farmer MacGregor came into the barn to find that
Rodney had humped all of the horses and was starting to hump the cows.

  "Rodney," said Farmer MacGregor, "one of these days you're going to
hump yourself to death."

  Rodney just smiled and went out to find the dog.

  The next morning, Farmer MacGregor woke up and looked out his
window.  In the yard, he saw all the chickens, cows, horses, pigs,
sheep and dogs lying on the ground, humped into unconsciousness.  And
in the middle of them all lay Rodney, dead.

  Farmer MacGregor walked out and stood over Rodney's body.  "I told
you, Rodney," he said.  "One of these day you were going to hump
yourself to death."

  Rodney then opened one eye and said, "Shhhhhhhh............Buzzards."
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 13:45:26 EDT
From:         Steve Cox <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Insulting to your least favorite college

At U. of Michigan, we used to tell this one about Michigan
State, however, any despised college will do.

Bubba, the most popular football player at Michigan State
had completed his eligibility, and was set to graduate.
The problem was, he had never attended a course, or
learned anything.  The Dean and football coach wanted to
graduate him, however, to stave off student revolt.

Still, they had to have him demonstrate some sort of
competence.  So, at the graduation ceremony,  when
Bubba's name was called, he went up to the front.

"Bubba, if you can pass this test, you graduate,"
said the Dean.
"What is two plus two?"

Bubba, thought for awhile, counted on his fingers,
and with a puzzled, yet hopeful voice, said,
"Duh, four?"

A cry went up in unison from the student body,
seated in their caps and gowns:
"Aw, give him another chance!"
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 14:00:00 EDT
From:         "Rich.Carl" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Michigan State replies!

Steve Cox from SUNY-Albany posted his joke referring to both Michigan and
Michigan State University, to which I am obliged to reply:

               "Friends don't let friends go to Michigan!"
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 14:05:11 GMT+6
From:         "Neil G. Sapper" <[e-mail]>
Organization: Amarillo College PCAD-ML
Subject:      Re: Dean Stories

Two anthropologists were on a field trip when they were surrounded by
cannibals. Terrified, they were herded into a compund with the other fresh meat.
They still could not escape the habits of their adult lives, so they were entranced
by a sign that posted current prices:
Professors - $5
Associate Professors - $3
Assistant Professors - $2
Instructors - $1
Deans - $0. 25.
In their bemusement, they summoned a guard to ask why deans were so cheap.
"Is the meat tougher than other academics?"
"No, about the same. But have you ever tried to clean one?"



Neil Sapper - Amarillo College - P. O. Box 447 - Amarillo, TX 79178-0001 Voice: 806/371-5416 - Fax:
806/371-5470
"Youneverknow." - Joaquin Andujar ("One Tough Dominican")
B. 12/21/52 - San Pedro de Macoris, D.R. - Pitcher - Batted-Both
(Batted left only against certain pitchers and only with men on
base.) Threw-Right 127W 118L 3.59 ERA .129 BA
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 15:43:45 EDT
From:         Raymond Villalobos <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another MSU Joke

Heard this one last year.

How do you keep the Michigan State football team out of your
backyard?

Put up a goalpost!
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 19:26:43 EDT
From:         Debra Ortiz <[e-mail]>
Organization: School of Medicine
Subject:      More barnyard jokes

A country couple--I mean BACKWOOD country couple were recently
married.  One of the wedding gifts which they received was a sow.
Farmer Brown, who gave them the sow told them to bring the sow to his
male pig (boar?) and soon they would have baby pigs.  So, the next
morning, the young man put the sow in the wheelbarrow and pushed her
down the road to farmer Brown's.  After the sow and the boar "did the
dirty," the young man pushed the sow back home.  The next morning the
couple checked, but there were no pigs yet.  So, the man loaded the
sow onto the wheelbarrow and took her back to Farmer brown's.  The
next morning--no piglets.  So, the next day they tried again.  The
next morning, as the wife and husband ate breakfast:
Wife:  we got any baby pigs?
Husband:  No, but the sow's in the wheelbarrow.
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 19:27:19 -0400
From:         "Brian K. Auger" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: A Few Good Ones, Offensive language
RE:  joke about gays and lesbians on separate trips to San Francisco--I
thought the lesbians won because they always "come lickety-split" whearas
the gay guys are always "coming up behind"...  Anyway, that's what I heard.
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 20:48:23 EST
From:         Dani Mudge <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Advertising

Ellen: "Advertising costs me a lot money."
John: "Why, I've never seen your goods advertised."
Ellen: "We don't advertise.  But my teenagers read other people's ads."
==========
Date:         Tue, 31 Aug 1993 21:28:50 MST
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Kids (G)

From Reader's Digest:
Our school holds an academic competition each year, and
every entrant must pass a general-knowledge quiz.  Helping
to grade the tests, I could see that one student must have
really struggled to answer the question "What is the oldest
desert in the world?"  He had written:  "Apple pie."

--------------------------------------------------------------

I try my best to teach my children good manners.  So one
day as I set a cup of milk in front of my two-year-old,
I asked, "What do you say?"  She looked at me thoughtfully,
then smiled, lifted the cup and said, "Cheers!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

While I was preparing dinner, my preschooler asked what an
eclipse was.  Using our salt and pepper shakers and jar of
pickles, I tried to position them correctly to explain an
eclipse.  When I asked my son if he understood, he said,
"Yes.  It's when the salt shaker goes behind the pickle jar."

--------------------------------------------------------------

My daughter and her husband, Monte, had flown to visit me,
and he held their baby in his arms as the passengers stood
to deplane.  Noticing the baby's shirt, which said "Little
Terror," a woman commented, "I think it's awful to have your
child wear something like that."  "But it's true," Monte
replied.  "Well," the woman persisted, "I wouldn't advertise
it."  A moment later, he shifted the infant a bit, and the
woman exclaimed, "Oh, his shirt says 'Little Terror.' I thought
it said 'Little Error.'"

==========
Date:         Wed, 1 Sep 1993 09:23:30 EDT
From:         neville <[e-mail]>
Subject:      joke pg 13

A father was walking around the neighborhood with his son when they came upon
two dogs involved in the procreative act.  "Father, what are they doing?"
asked the little boy.  "They're making a puppy," the father said.  Later that
night junior gets out of bed and goes to his parents' room to find them in the
procreative act.  "Daddy, what are you doing?" asks the son.  "We're making a
baby," replied the father.  The little boy's says, "Well roll her over --
I want a puppy!!!"
==========
Date:         Wed, 1 Sep 1993 11:45:25 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Borrowing money <Mulla tale>

BORROWING MONEY

     One day Nasrudin asked a wealthy man for some money.

     "What do you want it for?"

     "To buy an elephant."

     "If you have no money you will not be able to maintain an
elephant."

     "I asked for money, not advice!"


Note about Mulla tales: The Mulla Nasrudin is a Sufi character
whose origins predates Islam in his homeland of Persia (modern
Iran). Nasrudin is an eternal sophomore. Mulla is a religious
title which implies the person is a teacher, leader, and even a
magistrate. The anecdotes which I post to HUMOR frequnetly see
the Mulla playing a simpleton, while other times he is the
teacher enduring the ignorant. These teaching-tales are not
jokes, but to those raised in the middle east or with Yiddish
humor there is something delightfully humorous in understanding
the lesson(s) of each anecdote. Mulla Nasrudin tales should be
understood as folklore. Many of the stories are ancient, most
have been modernized although there is the pretense that event
occurred in ancient times, and new Mulla Nasrudin stories are
recent inventions. Idries Shah's books (published by NY's
E.P.Dutton) are my source for most of these tales. I post these
tales in the hope that others may be stimulated to post humor
from other cultures.
==========
Date:         Wed, 1 Sep 1993 12:39:16 -0400
From:         Thomas Rowe <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Burma Shave

My all time favorite Burma Shave sign was

Don't leave
safety
to chance
That's why belts
are sold
with pants
Burma Shave
==========
Date:         Wed, 1 Sep 1993 17:39:19 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      bumper sticker, testing tickle

-------------------------------------------
Bumper Sticker: "GIVE BLOOD - play rugby" |
-------------------------------------------

From New Scientist, 21 August 93, Feedback column:
"Feedbacks heart goes out to Singapore's former discus
and shot put champion Fok (sic) Keng Choy, not only for
the injuries he sustained in an accident two weeks ago
but also for the difficulty he must have had explaining
it next day to his boss.
According to the Malaysian New Straits Times, Choy was sitting on
the toilet, when he was bitten on the testicles by a python.
The report soes not explain how he failed to notice the python was
there in the first place."
==========
Date:         Wed, 1 Sep 1993 11:32:00 MDT
From:         Spit Bounces <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Partial canonical list of circumcision jokes

The following collection of circumcision jokes were donated anonymously
by a source who credits his proctologist brother as his source.

Why don't cowboys get circumcised?
So they have someplace to keep their chewin' tobacco while they're
singing.

What did the zipper say to the foreskin?
How does THAT grab ya!

Didja hear about the sentimental rabbi? Kept a scrapbook of his
clippings.

How about the guy who got his circumcision done at Sears. Now every time
he gets excited, his garage door opens.

Why do lawyers wear tight collars?
To keep their foreskins from creeping up over their chin.

Confucius say: "Old rabbis never die. They just can't cut it anymore."

Didja hear about the new kosher laxative? "Let my people go"
 (I know it's not about circumcision, but I included it anyway)

Circumcision--the salary sucks but the tips are great.
==========
Date:         Wed, 1 Sep 1993 13:52:00 -0400
From:         Eric Schmidt <[e-mail]>
Subject:

    Q:  How many Girl's School Girls does it take to change a light bulb???
    A:  We're WOMEN, and that's NOT funny.
==========
Date:         Wed, 1 Sep 1993 14:46:17 GMT+6
From:         "Neil G. Sapper" <[e-mail]>
Organization: Amarillo College PCAD-ML
Subject:      Re: Burma Shave

Feel your face
As you ride by
Now don't you think
It's time to try
BURMA SHAVE?

Is Burma Shave still on the market? Has anyone tried it recently? YNK
==========
Date:         Wed, 1 Sep 1993 15:12:56 U
From:         Gayle Armstrong <[e-mail]>
Subject:      BEWARE. Male Body PART Ment

Mail*Link( Remote             BEWARE. Male Body PART Mentioned frequently
The following collection of circumcision jokes were donated anonymously
by a source who credits his proctologist brother as his source.

Why don't cowboys get circumcised?
So they have someplace to keep their chewin' tobacco while they're
singing.

What did the zipper say to the foreskin?
How does THAT grab ya!

Didja hear about the sentimental rabbi? Kept a scrapbook of his
clippings.

How about the guy who got his circumcision done at Sears. Now every time
he gets excited, his garage door opens.

Why do lawyers wear tight collars?
To keep their foreskins from creeping up over their chin.

Confucius say: "Old rabbis never die. They just can't cut it anymore."

Didja hear about the new kosher laxative? "Let my people go"
 (I know it's not about circumcision, but I included it anyway)

Circumcision--the salary sucks but the tips are great.
==========
Date:         Wed, 1 Sep 1993 15:37:00 CDT
From:         THE UNICORN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      jokes (?!)

Just a few jokes for today:

Q.  What's Dracula?

A.  A pain in the neck!!
--------
a scene taken from the movie _Heartbreakers_ (tried to do this as best as I
could):

A man in a hospital room awaits surgery for the next day.  The day before, the
phone rings & here's the conversation:
"Hello?"
"Hey, Murry, congratulations.  I see you made it!  Came through surgery okay.
Half of the guys die on the table."
"What?  It's tomorrow?"

(forgive me, Riley, if I told it wrong.  I tried to do it as you said!)
--------
here's something my brother made up in relation to song artists & their songs:

Q.  How long did it take Lionel Richie to tie his shoe?

A. "All night long"...
-------

Q. What did the peanut butter say to the jelly?

A.  I'm stuck on you.
--------
I had a friend tell me the following story (kids are sooo cute):

She was at the Gainesville Zoo with her 3 girls.  Next to them was a little boy
about 5 years old.  They were all looking at the zebras.  Well, the little boy
looked wide-eyed in wonderment as he exclaimed,"Daddy, look!  That horse still
has his pajamas on!!"
---------

Hope you enjoyed these.  Everybody have a great week!

--Meshel
==========
Date:         Wed, 1 Sep 1993 16:15:41 EDT
From:         Ron Chibnik <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Partial canonical list of circumcision jokes

Circumcision Jokes:

There's this moyl (sp?) who has been collecting foreskins for his
entire twenty year career. He's got a whole box of them. And he thinks
"I must be able to do SOMETHING with these things." So he goes to a
leather craftsman and asks him to make something of his collection of
foreskins. "Come back Tuesday and I'll have something for you" says
the craftsman.

The moyl can't wait. Finally tuesday comes around and he goes to see
the leather guy. "Ah! You're gonna love this!" he is told, and the
leather worker takes out a small change purse and lays it gingerly on
the counter. "That's it?!? Twenty years of foreskins and all you could
make was a change purse!!??" "Sure it's a change purse" says the
leather guy. "But you rub it and it turns into luggage!"
==========
Date:         Wed, 1 Sep 1993 18:22:09 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Immortal Words (seen on a T-Shirt)

        IMMORTAL WORDS

        Know Thyself
           -Socrates

        To Thine Ownself Be True
                    -Shakespeare

        Never Wash Whites With Colors
                                 -Mom
==========
Date:         Wed, 1 Sep 1993 16:42:14 -0700
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "NADAV 415-666-2973 [e-mail]"
              <[e-mail]>
Subject:      as happy as a pig in

A man sees a farmer holding a pig up to an apple tree so the pig can
eat the apples. The man says to the farmer
"Doesn't it waste a lot of time to feed the pig that way?"
The farmer says "What's time to a pig?"
==========
Date:         Thu, 2 Sep 1993 09:24:50 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Inhalation...

I am sure lots of fun can be had from the

"but I didnt inhale " phrase. Such as:

Q: Have you ever done math ?

A: Yes, but I didnot inhale.


i.e. You can excuse yourself from *anything* by
 not inhaling!! Anyone has any other (more humourous)
 scenarios?

Derryck.

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. A real pessimist
 will not expect to get the money back".
==========
Date:         Thu, 2 Sep 1993 10:35:38 +0200
From:         Joerg Findeisen CEDAR <[e-mail]>
Subject:      very short but sexual poem

She offered her honor
He honored her offer
And all night long he was on her and off her
==========
Date:         Thu, 2 Sep 1993 10:56:37 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Inhalation...

I was a witness of it myself, I swear.

I got a friend, a composer, whose life stile is far from quiet. In other words,
he's burning that candle from both ends.
So, he wakes up one morning in bed with those two girls - terribly hangover,
his appartment a mess - naked he crowls off the bed, a pain to watch, finds a
cigarette, lights up and says: "It's good my mother doesn't see I inhale it".

--Saul
==========
Date:         Thu, 2 Sep 1993 07:42:33 EDT
From:         Bill Prokasy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Story: More About the Life of a Dean

A new dean had just arrived at Modern University and thought she might well
profit from a discussion with her predecessor who had recently resigned.  During
a lunncheon meeting she asked the former dean how he had managed crises.  His
response was to give her three envelopes with the instruction to open #1 with th
e
first crisis, #2 with the second crisis, and #3 with the third crisis.  She
accepted the envelopes and the rest of the luncheon was spent on pleasantries.

Things went extremely well for her during the first six months.  However, she
then discovered a major problem in the budget: the year was only half over and
it was clear that she was going to overspend her budget by 10%.  The ruckus she
caused by pulling funds back from departments, failing to keep commitments, etc.
,
was such that she was facing her first major crisis.  She opened envelope #1 to
find that it stated "Blame the prior dean for poor planning."  This she did, and
the crisis was muted.

The next year her curriculum committee recommended, and she implemented, a
reduction in course requirements for graduation.  Faculty from the affected
departments were enraged, as they felt that they had not been appropriately
consulted.  The new dean, sensing her second crisis, opened envelope #2 which
said: "blame a faculty committee."  To her amazement, this worked and the
committee had to shoulder the blame for poor consultation.

Later that year she was preparing budgets for the following year and realized
that she would not have enough funds to provide raises for faculty and staff
because of some unanticipated captial costs.  This caused a real uproar across
the college.  Confronting her third crisis, she opened envelope #3.  It said:
"Prepare three envelopes."

William F. Prokasy           Phone: [phone]
108 Old College              FAX:   [phone]
Athens, GA 30602             Internet: [e-mail]
==========
Date:         Thu, 2 Sep 1993 11:18:58 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      On meeting death <eerie words from the Mulla>

ON MEETING DEATH

     Once Nasrudin was walking  in his garden when one of his
servants, rushing, approach him.  The servant cried that he had
just encountered Death, who had threatened him.  He begged the
Mulla to give him his fastest horse so that he could make haste and
flee to Teheran, which he could reach that same evening.  The Mulla
consented and the servant galloped off on the horse.

     On returning to his house Nasrudin himself met Death, and
questioned him, "Why did you terrify and threaten my servant?"

     "I did not threaten him; I only showed surprised in still
finding him here when I planned to meet him tonight in Teheran."
==========
Date:         Thu, 2 Sep 1993 12:25:19 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      His & hers humor; my view of life in college (foul language)

FRom the May 93 issue of Glamour magazine:

There's good news about the humor gender gap. According to Jim Carroll, Ed.D,
professor of psychology at Central Michigan University, men and women find more
of the same things funny than they did 30 years ago.
  "It used to be that men liked the archetypal 'dirty joke'--rough, smutty,
...think Andrew Dice Clay," says Dr. Carroll, who studied the funny bones of
173 men and women."Women laughed at female airhead stereotypes, like Lucy,
Mary Tyler Moore and That Girl. Today, women respond to humor that's more
confident and outgoing (Roseanne Arnold), and men like comedians who are
kinder and more sensitive (Jay Leno). We're moving toward a unisex funny
bone."
   As gender differences in humor disappear, laughter has even more power
to cement a relationship. Here's what couples find funny today, according
to Dr. Carroll:
   --Gruesome humor like The Far Side.
   --Political humor like Doonesbury or Dana Carvey doing George Bush.
   --Evasion-of-responsibility humor like Calvin and Hobbes.
   --Theatricality like Designing Women.

------------------------------------------------------

Enough of the academic stuff. I was recently reminded of my working philo-
sophy of life when I was an undergrad:

The world is divided into 2 groups of people: the people you think are assholes
and the people that think you're an asshole.
Woodell's Corollary: No matter who you are, there's someone in this world who
thinks you're an asshole. (So don't try to please everybody, it's just not
possible. This was actual college wisdom I tried to impart on a roommate with
anorexia nervosa.)
Pollyanna's Corollary: No matter who you are, there's someone in the world
who thinks you're a nice person. Seek those people out and surround your
life with them. (Woodell's Retort: Of course, you'll probably think those
people are assholes....)
Woodell's Corollary for the 90's: If you meet someone who you think is not
an asshole, and that person thinks you're not an asshole, MARRY. Now.

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
"You can really grow apart if you're constantly together."--actual Berraesque
wisdom on marriage from my secretary
==========
Date:         Thu, 2 Sep 1993 09:42:35 -0800
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      "Question for Mary" clean, may offend some christians

A man dies and finds himself at the pearly gates being greeted by Saint Peter.
St. Peter informs him that all new arrivals to heaven get one wish, anything
they ask for.  The man without hesitating says that his wish is to have the
Virgin Mary answer a question.  St. Peter looks at him rather strangely but
says that's not a problem.

The man is brought before Mary and St. Peter tells her of the man's wish.  Mary
is flattered and asks him what his question is.

The man says, "I have seen many images of you in paintings, sculptures, frescos
and carvings.  You always look so sad. I would like to know why."

Mary looks around to see if anyone else is listening and wispers to the man,
"Well to tell you the truth, I really wanted a girl."

Larry Richards
Eastern Washington University
Internet: [e-mail]
Phone: [phone]  US Mail: Mail Stop 89, Cheney, WA 99004
==========
Date:         Thu, 2 Sep 1993 11:57:20 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Graduate School

This flew by me on MEDLIB-L the other day:  "Grad School... It's not
just a job, it's an indenture!"

Thought you might like to post it to your humour list.

JOANN M. WLEKLINSKI                            GSLIS, Rosary College
Moderator of STUMPERS-L                        7900 West Division Street
e-mail:  [e-mail]              River Forest, IL  60305
==========
Date:         Thu, 2 Sep 1993 13:58:35 EST
From:         ROBERT RYAN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Mens room humor: Warning ! Not for women.

      20 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MEET IN THE MENS ROOM!!!!!!!

 1. Exicetable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

 2. Sociable: Joins friends in piss whether he hass to or not.

 3. Crosseyed: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

 4. Timid: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal,
           comes back later.

 5. Indifferent: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

 6. Clever: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

 7. Worried: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

 8. Frivolous: Plays stream up, down, and across urinals, tries to
               hit fly or bug.

 9. Absent-Minded: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10. Childish: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

11. Sneak: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent,
           knows man in next stall will get blamed.

12. Patient: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads
             with free hand.

13. Desperate: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14. Tough: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

15. Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

16. Fat: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

17. Little: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18. Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19. Disgruntled: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

20. Conceited: Hold two-inch penis like a baseball bat.

    I told you not to read this!
==========
Date:         Thu, 2 Sep 1993 15:46:41 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A Brief Article (sort of potentially mildly offensive)

********************
From "The Toronto Sun", Thursday, September 2, 1993.

Article: In Brief, This Tokyo Trend Is Really Sick

TOKYO (AP) - Here's one product the Japanese haven't exported to North
America, yet: vending machines that dispense dirty panties.

Used female underwear is a big seller in Tokyo porn shops. Now, men with a
yen for dirty panties can buy them from vending machines in the
suburbs. More than 3,000 residents of a district east of Tokyo have signed
petitions protesting against the sale of such goods.

And authorities say they're concerned about another wrinkle in the market
- high school girls selling their underwear on the street.
********************

Puts a new twist to the slogan "Wait 'till we get our Hanes on you."
==========
Date:         Thu, 2 Sep 1993 16:36:54 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Homosexual humor <explicit language>

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor is my source for these two funnies: O


This lion is having a drink at his local waterhole. A chimp sneaks
up behind him and slips him a Liberace and runs for his life.

The lion lets out a tremendous roar and chases the monkey.

The monkey runs into a nearby safari camp and puts on a safari suit
and hat, picks up a newspaper and starts to read it. Before long
the lion comes running in to the camp, looking for the chimp. The
lion sees the chimp behind the paper but doesn't recognise him and
asks him if he has seen a chimp running this way.

The chimp says "Do you mean the one that fucked the lion up the
arse?".

"Shit," says the lion " is it in the fucking paper already?"



Another one.....This Indiana teenager goes up to his dad and says
"hey, Dad can I have 20 bucks for a blowjob?" His dad says "I dunno
... you any good?"

==========
Date:         Thu, 2 Sep 1993 22:01:59 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      rich b*****d  (*language*)

From New Scientist, 28 august 93, Feedback column:

"The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps
 personal information about its customers-such as their political
 affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a
 financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved
 into the realm of personal abuse.
  The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers,
 inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers
 wrote a program to search through its databases and select its
 customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary
 customer called Rich Bastard.
 Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed
 "Dear Rich Bastard". The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked."
==========
Date:         Thu, 2 Sep 1993 15:07:08 -0500
From:         Julie Kotok <[e-mail]>
Subject:      dirty jokes

Yesterday a waitress I work with had a pool party and at night we sat around
the bonfire telling jokes, here are a few:

What do you call a blond doing a headstand?

A brunette with bad breath.
------------
A newly married woman was at a friend's house, her firend asked how things
were going so far. The married woman told her how great life was and that the
sex was good, but her husband wanted a hand job, but she didn't know how to
do it. Her friend told her it was easy, just practice on the ketchup bottle.
So that night the couple is in bed and he once again asks for a hand job,
she was all excited and grabbed his penis and flattened her hand and
smacked straight down on top onf the head of his penis. (it helps if you
visualize htis joke)
------------
This one is offensive to Italians, sorry

What do you call a fat Italian woman with a yeast infection?

A Whopper with cheese.
____________
A guy got his girlfriend's name, Wendy, tatooed on his penis.  He's peeing
at a urinal and he glances to the left and says to the guy, "Oh, you've got
a girlfriend named Wendy too,".  The other gut
 looks at himand rubs his penis
until he got a hardon, it reads:

WELCOME TO JAMAICA, HAVE A NICE DAY
-------------
These are all I can remember today, I'll add more later as I remember them.
julie
==========
Date:         Thu, 2 Sep 1993 17:42:58 EDT
From:         Cathy Krusberg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Slightly humorous quote

Source:  Harry K. Wong and Rosemary Tripi Wong. _The First Days of School_.
         Sunnyvale, Calif. : Harry K. Wong Publications, 1991; p. 304

                Nothing will ever be accomplished by sitting
                around doing nothing, making butt prints in
                the sands of time.
==========
Date:         Thu, 2 Sep 1993 21:44:43 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Homer and Heidi

                                  Copyright 1993 by Byron Lanning

HOLLYWOOD SEX SCANDAL BECOMES ANIMATED

Hollywood September 2, 1993 (PETER FUNK PRESS).

     Homer Simpson, cartoon star of the TV comedy series The
Simpsons, shocked Hollywood when he admitted to engaging in sex
with a prostitute working for Hollywood supermadam Heidi Fleiss.

     Homer incriminated himself to Los Angeles police officers
when they arrested him for soliciting sex from Jane Jetson of
The Jetsons. Officers put him under a severe crossexamination in
which the interrogating officers sat in front of him, eating
donuts, drinking Duff's beer but not offering him any of it. This
put Homer  under a severe stress. He broke down crying and
admitted to soliciting  Jane Jetson, who he said worked for Heidi
Fleiss. The officers gave  Homer a donut and a beer for his
cooperation. Homer slurped down the beer and donut. Then, in
the expectation that the officers would reward  him with more
donuts and beer for his further cooperation, he admitted to
erasing the Watergate tapes, assassinating Kennedy, and
impersonating Princess Anastasia.

     According to Homer, Heidi Fleiss employs many types of cartoon
characters as prostitutes, from Walt Disney characters to the
Muppet Babies to Hey Dude. However, Homer had sex only with Jane Jetson.
She knows all sorts of strange sex positions from the future. Oddly,
she became a prostitute for economic reasons. Her husband George
left her and married their dog Astro, leaving her destitute.

     Homer said also that he attended several orgies thrown by
Heidi Fleiss. Many Hollywood executives and stars attended these
parties. It seems sex with cartoon characters has become very
chic among the Hollywood elite. Homer recalled seeing female
cartoons as Natasha of Bullwinkle, Olive Oil of Popeye, Nell of
Dudley Do Right, Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble of The
Flintstones at these orgies. However, because he fears for his
acting career, he refuses to disclose any names of the Hollywood
elite. He admits only to seeing Pee Wee Herman, who often attended
Fleiss' orgies but couldn't find any cartoon characters to
have sex with him, except Woody Woodpecker.

     Since his admission of guilt, Hollywood stars and executives
have spurned Homer. They fear he will disclose some big Hollywood
names of those attending Fleiss orgies. Only Butthead of Beavis
and Butthead has come to his support. He calls Homer everyday on
the phone and offers him these words of encouragement: "Yeah
COOOOL Homer, hu hu huh huhhuhhuh."
==========
Date:         Fri, 3 Sep 1993 12:43:10 TSI
From:         Babur Saylan <[e-mail]>
Subject:      From Babur

Thanks Joe Mole, being a Turkish, I'm very happy for reading Nasrudin stories
And I'm, again, sorry for my English...
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The little boy was hiding himself under the back seat of the automobile when hi
s elder brother was taking girls to the top of a hill. Every time he hears his
brother asking 'yes or no?', when teh girl answers no, his brother says 'okay,
then you'll descend yourself.'
It had been repeated for many times. And one day the little boy takes his girl-
friend (|) in the back of his bicycle and when they attempt the top of the hill
, he returns and asks: 'yes or no?'
The girls answers yes...
The little boy thinks a little time and says: 'okay, you take the bicycle, I'll
descend myself.'
|||
I hope you enjoy yourself...Bye-)))
==========
Date:         Fri, 3 Sep 1993 12:23:15 +0100
From:         P S Gupta <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Henry the Sperm (Dirty)

------------------------------ Start of body part 1

This is the story of Henry the sperm who was very ambitious. He
wanted to be THE ONE to cause fertilization. He was indeed the
strongest in his group of friends for he would do almost
anything to keep himself fit & strong. One day things started to
warm up - it was time... Henry & all his sperm friends started
to run to reach the egg. Henry put in all he had and was leading

------------------------------ Start of body part 2

         Suddenly, Henry stopped & started running back screaming -
         "Everybody get back... It's a BLOW-JOB".

------------------------------ End of body part 2
==========
Date:         Fri, 3 Sep 1993 13:51:06 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Headaches

If you hit a man over the head with a fish,
                    he'll have a headache for a day.
But if you teach a man to hit himself over the head with a fish,
                         he'll have headaches for the rest of his life.

                                  - Unknown
==========
Date:         Fri, 3 Sep 1993 13:50:35 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Love poems <delightfully humorous>

The passionate shepherd to his love by Christopher Marlowe


Come live with me and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That valleys, groves, hills, and fields,
Woods, or steepy mountain yields.

And we will sit upon the rocks,
Seeing the shepherds feed their flocks,
By shallow rivers to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.

And I will make thee beds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies,
A cap of flowers, and a kirtle
Embroidered all with leaves of myrtle;

A gown made of the finest wool
Which from our pretty lambs we pull;
Fair lined slippers for the cold,
With buckles of the purest gold;

A belt of straw and ivy buds,
With coral clasps and amber studs:
And if these pleasures may thee move,
Come live with me, and be my love.

The shepherds' swains shall dance and sing
For thy delight each May morning:
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me and be my love.


The Nymph's Reply to the Shepherd by Sir Walter Raleigh

If all the world and love were young,
And truth in every shepherd's tongue,
These pretty pleasures might me move
To live with thee and be thy love.

Time drives the flocks from field to fold
When rivers rage and rocks grow cold,
And Philomel becometh dumb;
The rest complains of cares to come.

The flowers do fade, and wanton fields
To wayward winter reckoning yields;
A honey tongue, a heart of gall,
Is fancy's spring, but sorrow's fall.

Thy gowns, thy shoes, thy beds of roses,
Thy cap, thy kirtle, and thy posies
Soon break, soon wither, soon forgotten--
In folly ripe, in reason rotten.

They belt of straw and ivy buds,
Thy coral clasps and amber studs,
All these in me no means can move
To come to thee and be thy love.

But could youth last and love still breed,
Had joys no date nor age no need,
Then these delights my mind might move
To live with thee and be thy love.
==========
Date:         Fri, 3 Sep 1993 13:51:43 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Stuff to do at the office pt. 2; stuff to do at the supermarket

More stuff to kill time in the office: --> Rearrange your desk ergonomically.
--> Put up a new picture. Take down an old picture. Take down the picture of
your old flame and replace it with a picture of a celebrity in the same frame.
Wait for the gossip to fly.
-->Go through the VAX password generator. See how many passes it takes for it
to generate a password at random that happens to be an English word. (Advanced
project: See how many passes it takes for the password generator to randomly
generate a word in any language you know.)
-->Organize the Office Olympics in your office. Suggested events include...
        target archery (shooting rubberbands at dates on the calendar; highest
number wins)
        hurdles (make tripods out of paper clips and try to jump them by rolling
the tips of your outstretched fingers over the hurdles without knocking them
down)
        pole vault (stack a bunch of books on the desk and bounce a virgin #2
pencil by the eraser over the stack)
        biathlon (new event! shoot a Bic pen cap from the straw nozzle of
an aerosol computer/small appliance cleaner; can be done for distance and for
accuracy)
        optional: spelling bee (go thru old memos or e-mail messages from
the president of your company or university and see how many grammar and
spelling errors you can find)

Guess what I've been doing on a pre-holiday Friday? (8-)

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
"The #1 role of tomorrow's senior executive: screw things up." --Tom Peters
==========
Date:         Fri, 3 Sep 1993 12:08:34 CST
From:         Fernando Davila Nieto <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Michael Jackson

Copied from alt.tasteless.jokes without permission...


Have you heard Michael Jackson's formed a new band ?
New kids on my cock.

What does Michael Jackson have after dinner ?
Under-eights.

Michael Jackson's new cover version ?
"Don't let your son go down on me."
OR "I'm forever blowing Bubbles."


It don't matter if you are black or white...

As long as you are under 13.
==========
Date:         Fri, 3 Sep 1993 14:39:52 EDT
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      When you see an elephant <political humor>

A debt of gratitude to Mr. Pittman for suggesting the "Elephant Search
Evaluation for Job Class Analysis." I have made a minor alteration to his
test.  Mr. Pittman did not realize that one's political philosophy could
be determined when you ask a person "What do you think when you see
an elephant?" :-)
            What do you think when you see an elephant?
Anarchist: That elephant was better off before the government started
protecting him.

Animal rights person: That animal should be free to be wild. "Close the
zoos, free the animals."

Communist: A pig created by a capitalist. <parody of expression "a camel
is horse created by a committee">

Congressperson: I wonder how many elephants I could get for my district.

Conservationist: A major polluter and destroyer of forests, grazing and
farm lands.

Conservative: I should hope nobody expects me to feed that mass of flesh
and bones.

Democrat: Neat. But if we are going to have them in our zoos, only African
elephants should be used and the rich should be taxed to pay for their
up-keep.

Dittohead: Rush Limbaugh. <He is an over-weight Republican commentator;
his followers say dittos or mega-dittos to him instead of complimenting
him -- hence dittohead>

Environmentalist: Poor animal. The United States government is neglecting
the welfare and very survival of beautiful creatures like this.  Fully
one-third of Africa should become a preserve for elephants and the leading
capitalist countries should subsidize the African governments so they can
maintain these preserves.

Feminist: A symbol of male dominance and exploitation. <Allusion to the
trunk as a phallic symbol>

Gay: Proof that homosexuality is natural. <Allusion to the trunk as a
phallic symbol>

Labor leader: That's an unfair labor animal. These animals should be
prohibited from entering the United States to do work that our people do.
Each elephant imported for zoos should be cared for by six full-time union
zoo-keepers. <reference to union's opposite to new machines and cheap
labor>

Liberal Republican: This animal is or will soon be extinct. It is a shame
because they are such cute animals.

Liberal: I wonder how much taxpayer money we should appropriate to help
that beautiful elephant.

Lobbyist: That's interesting. I wonder who represents elephant interests
at the capitol. I wonder who is afraid of elephants; they may need my
help, too.

Monarchist: I still like Lions better. <King of the Beasts>

Moral Majority (Religious-right) member: Proof that God has a sense of
humor and evidence that the theory of evolution is wrong and that life
should preserved at all cost and that the Bible is the inerrant word of
God because elephants are mentioned in the Bible.

National Rifle Association member: Time for target practice.

Perot-moaner: What's that animal doing here?  All that animal wants is to
take my job? If it stays here, my taxes will be raised to maintain it.
This is just another Republican dirty trick. <Allusion to Perot's
opposition to NAFTA and his complaint about Republican dirty tricks>

Poor Democrat: Ut oh, I bet a dozen poor people could live in a welfare
hotel for a year for what it cost the government to take care of that
thing for one month. Send that elephant back to Africa.

Republican: The symbol of my party. Only hardworking white elephants from
Asia should be used for our logos. <The Republican Party is 99%+ white>

Rich Republican: Nice for circuses and zoos as long as they are supported
by user fees and not by well-bred and successful investors like me.

Senator: I wonder how much pork I could get out of that big pig. <allusion
to pork-barrel spending>

Small business Republican or Democrat: If I could get a government
contract to feed that elephant, I could be rich and join the country club.
I wonder to whom I need to give a "contribution" to get the government
contract to feed elephants and clean-up their crap.

Southern white male: I wonder whether that is an African or European
elephant. <stereotyped as dumb and bigoted>
==========
Date:         Fri, 3 Sep 1993 15:26:31 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      OOPS! Stuff to do at the supermarket

Here's hoping our venerable listowner doesn't whip me 40 times with an
electronic wet newspaper for posting TWICE to the list (oooo) but I think
I need to do so in order to fulfill my promise. In my "stuff to do" post
the title comes on to you with "stuff to do at the supermarket." What
brought that on was me, constantly grocery shopping and finding myself
always stuck in long lines. If you pick up a magazine to kill time, ya gotta
be careful because if you don't put it down fast enough it might get rung
up with the rest of your order! (8-) So I amuse myself now by reading the
tacky headlines on those tabloids and try to figure out what they REALLY
mean. You know there's gotta be a come-on with some of those teaser headlines.
For example: "Jane Fonda AIDS Heartbreak" - sounds juicy, right? So you turn
to page 29 (you have to wade thru a lot of ads and stuff to get to the good
junk) and it turns out, Jane Fonda doesn't have AIDS. Peter Fonda doesn't
have AIDS. Heck, even Bridget Fonda doesn't have AIDS! It's just that
when Jane thinks of all those little kids who got AIDS from tainted blood
and can't attend school because the community is up in arms, it just
breaks her heart!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What can YOU come up with? What's the REAL story behind....

"Donny Osmond Caught in Gay Lovenest"

"Raymond Burr's Final Days of Pain and Shame"

"Loni: 'I'll Scratch Burt's New Girlfriend's Eyes Out'"

"Dolly Parton Facelift Mess"

"Wynonna: My One True Love"

Some of you were asking for real-life humor from me. You came to the right
place, 'cause nothing is funnier than real life.

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
"I hereby affirm and avow that I have NEVER once in my life bought a tabloid."
==========
Date:         Fri, 3 Sep 1993 15:53:24 -0500
From:         Julie Kotok <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More Dirty Jokes

I've thought of a couple more of the jokes from the pool party...

Three couple went to a church to join it, a couple in their 20's, one in
thier 40's and one in thier 80's.  The preist told all three couples that
if they could abstain from sex for 6 months they could join the church.
Well six months and the three couples go back to the church.  The couple in
thier 80's said that the first few months were ok, but the last month has
been a bit tense.  They succeeded and the priest let them join the church.
The couple in their 40's went to talk to the priest and told him that the
first month went by ok, but after that it got really hard.  They also succeeded

and were allowed to join the church.  Lastly was the couple in their 20's.
They had made it through the first week ok, but after that they were going
crazy, chewing on trays of ice every night and getting real grumpy they
thought the six months would every end.  The night before they met with
the preist the wife bent over the freezer and her husband did her right then.
The preist apologized and told the couple they could not join or ever come
back in their.  The husband said that the people in the supermarket told
them the same thing last night.

julie
==========
Date:         Fri, 3 Sep 1993 16:08:13 EDT
From:         Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Minority logic...

Often times, minorities are mistreated by the majority, which
leads to civil rights abuses, discrimination, and bad jokes.

This is unfair, so minorities have developed a method of
defending themselves from the majority... it goes like this:

       1)  We're picked on because we're different from
           everyone else.

       2)  You shouldn't pick on us because deep down,
           we're the same as everybody else.

       3)  But we're going to lobby for special treatment
           to ensure that we're different from everyone
           else...

       4)  And when we get it, we can tell everyone else
           how we are finally accepted as being "equal"
           to everyone else.

       5)  Unless everyone else complains about being
           picked on because they're different from
           everyone else...

       6)  In which case we'll lobby against them,
           because they shouldn't be treated different
           from everybody else, when they're really
           the same as everybody else.


       7)  And if someone tries to point out that that's
           what we did, we'll tell them to go "someplace else".

_______________________________________________________________________________

 "Everybody's a minority... you just have to find the
  right body part..."
                                    _ __ ___ ____ _____ ______ _______ ________

                                    Internet :  [e-mail]
_______________________________________________________________________________
==========
Date:         Fri, 3 Sep 1993 19:07:07 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Disneysleaze

                                  Copyright 1993 by Byron Lanning

EURO DISNEY CONTINUES EURO REFORM

Disneyland-September 3 (PETER FUNK PRESS).

     Michael Eisner, chairman of Walt Disney Corporation,
continues his plans to stop Euro Disney's financial losses by
making the park more appealing to Europeans. Eisner has completed
the first phase of the plan and will begin the second phase next
year.

     The first phase of his plan consisted of Euro Disney selling
liquor in the park and rescinding the order that required its
female employees to shave their armpits. In the second phase,
Euro Disney will not only offer liquor to its patrons but also
prostitution. This includes a plan to open another hotel in Euro
Disney's Frontierland. Eisner wants it modeled it after a 19th
century bordello of the American wild west and called Kitty's
Cathouse. In this hotel, Euro Disney patrons can have sex with
Disney cartoon characters. Eisner even promises the Disney
prostitutes will have hairy armpits, and in keeping with its the
park's family atmosphere, Disney will sell condoms in the hotel
lobby. Each condom will have a drawing of a Disney character on
it or a photograph of Michael Eisner.

     If Kitty's Cathouse does well, Eisner may consider opening a
new attraction in Euro Disney called Sleazeland, which Heidi
Fleiss will manage when she gets out of jail.
==========
Date:         Sat, 4 Sep 1993 16:50:21 IST
From:         John Bastian/Johnny <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Henry the Sperm (Dirty,very)

Then there were a group of ambitious sperms, eagerly waiting for their
day to come. One morning they got news that their time's about to
come and all of the started jogging, doing push-ups ...... just anything
- to do it. One guy said, "If I am successful, I'd become a
doctor". "I'd be a lawyer", said another. "I'd become the
president", said a long tail. As they were discussing their future
careers, the big moment came, and out they splashed onto the floor!
They looked up at he guy (who'd just finished masturbating) and
yelled - "You bastard! You spoiled all our careers!"

Credits: Venki, [e-mail]
==========
Date:         Sat, 4 Sep 1993 08:28:27 PDT
From:         Dave Gomberg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Request for Canadian humor
Well, a stranger walks into a Nova Scotia bar and says to the bartender:
"Hey, you wanna hear a great Newfie joke?"

The bartender snarls, stands up straight exposing his arms he uses for
bouncing obstreperous customers and says, "Wait a minute.  I'm a Newfie."

"And see that fellow over there by the jukebox with the chains?  He works
down at the ways and drags the boats up by hand.  He's a Newfie."

"And that guy in the leather jacket with him, he repairs boat engines and
he's a Newfie too.  Now, do you still want to tell a Newfie joke?"

The visitor looks around at the other men and shakes his head, "Naw, I
don't want to have to explain it three times."

Dave Gomberg, role model for those who don't ask much in their fantasy lives.
GOMBERG@UCSFVM  Internet node UCSFVM.UCSF.EDU             fax-> [phone]
==========
Date:         Fri, 3 Sep 1993 14:42:43 PDT
From:         Marty 'Spiff' Kuhrt <[e-mail]>
Subject:      speed of sex, etc (NC17 - sex, incest)

The posts of the last few days have brought to mind the following...

RE: lesbian/gay male racing, speed & sex

Q: What is the speed of sex?
A: 68, because at 69 you flip over and eat it.

Q: What's another sexual definition of 68?
A: You give me head, I'll owe you one.

Q: Why is 77 better than 69?
A: You get ate (8) more!

~~~~ CAUTION: offensive humor follows

RE: the incestuous joke reminded me of some 'backwoods types' jokes

Q: What do you call a twelve year old girl from the backwoods thats
   a virgin?
A: A girl that can out run her Dad and brothers.


Lum: Reb, hear tell you'n got married to Daisy Lew.
Reb: Yup, had ta kill er on the huneymoon, tho.
Lum: Whyzat?
Reb: She tolt me she wuz one of them thar virgins.
Lum: So?
Reb: Well, ifin she ain't good enuf for her kin, she shorenuf not
     good enuf for ars!


Mazie Sue: Paw, kin I haf the pickup truk this eve'nin for to go to
     town and see a movin pitchur show?
Paw: Well, Mazie, you kin haf the truk, on the kindition that you
     put some slurpin on m' tadpole
Mazie: O.K. Paw.  (at which point she proceeds with the act)
Mazie: Ewwwww, daddy, yer tadpole tastes lik a turd
Paw: Oh yeah, I plum fergot, yer brothers got the truk ta'nite.
==========
Date:         Sat, 4 Sep 1993 22:51:22 -0700
From:         "NADAV 666-2973 (415)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Yosel the tailor (Jewish folk tale)

Note: Lo Idati in Hebrew means "I don't know"

The King issued a decree that on a certain day the Jews of the city were to
present a champion to dispute with a Christian scholar who was a great
Bible authority and theologian.  The loser would forfeit his life.  No one
wanted the honor except Yosel the tailor.  The day for the disputation
arrived.  The Tailor went first: "If your are such an authority on Jewish
lore, then tell me: what is the meaning of Lo Idati?"
"I don't know," answered the scholar, readily.
"Aha!" Cried the tailor exultantly. "Let me ask you again: what is the meaning
of Lo Idati ?
"I don't know," answered the scholar, this time with some exasperation.

The King hearing the scholar's apparent admission of ignorance for the
second time ordered the scholar to be hung and Yosel the winner.

Later the townspeople ask the tailor how he hit upon such a clever plan.
Answered the tailor: I looked it up in the Yiddish dictionary and it said
it didn't know so I thought if the Yiddish dictionary doesn't know
how can this Gentile know and, as you see, I was right.
==========
Date:         Sun, 5 Sep 1993 08:20:35 EDT
From:         Bert Headrick <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Newfie Joke

Subject: Newfie Joke
For Theresa Muir who requested Canadian/Newfie humour:

Back in the days when trains ran in Newfoundland, apassenger was
travelling from Corner Brook to St. John'n when, all of a sudden,
there was a tremendous thump and bang followed by a really rough
ride for a few seconds.  This was followed by another thump, bang
and the ride became smooth again.  Just then, the conductor was
passing through the car, so the passenger asked, "What happened
back there?"  The conductor replied, "Oh, we just ran over a
mainlander."  The passenger asked, "What, was he lying on the
track?"  The conductor replied, "Oh no, he was out in the field
but we got him!"

Regards,
BERT HEADRICK, ST LAWRENCE COLLEGE, BROCKVILLE CAMPUS
==========
Date:         Sun, 5 Sep 1993 18:33:26 -0500
From:         Ali Mohajer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Nasruddin

I was tickled to see the good Mulla Nasruddin debut on tis list a few days ago.
These are stories I learned at my father's knee, so to speak, and while they
seemed funny in a silly sort of way to me as a child, it takes a mature
perspective to really appreciate the humor of these tales. Here are a few from
memory:


Nasruddin felt that his donkey was eating too much for the amount of work it
did, so he started to gradually "accustom" the beast to less food. After a few
weeks people at the bazaar began to notice that the Mulla's poor donkey was
looking quite gaunt and unwell, until one day Nasruddin arrived at the market
shouldering his burden himself. A friend inquired of his donkey's health, at
which the Mulla sadly shook his head and said: "Alas, the poor beast has died,
and just when he had gotten used to eating nothing at all!"

Okay, here's a less tragic one:

Nasruddin and his cronies were reminiscing about squandered youth and the
enfeeblement of age when the Mulla exclaimed that he was just as strong now as
when he was a strapping lad of twenty. When asked to explain this remarkable
statement, he pointed to a large rock in the corner of his field and said: "I
couldn't move it when I was young, and I still can't move it today!"

And finally:

Nasruddin always had a difficult relationship with his beasts of burden. One
day, after trying several times to mount his donkey, he finally makes it onto
the saddle only to find he is looking at the tail end of the animal. A passerby
laughs and tells the Mulla he is facing the wrong way, to which the Mulla says:
"How do you know which way I want to go?"

More to come on later posts,

Ali Mohajer

[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Sun, 5 Sep 1993 21:50:11 CDT
From:         Zedai Zheng <[e-mail]>

Chinese joke: Two Drunkards

One night, two drunkards were on their way home from a bar. Each one
denied that he was drunk.

"You are not drunk?" one asked, then he turned on the flashlight on
his hand and a beam of light was projected up to the night sky,
"Dare you climb up along this light-pillar?"

Another answered: "Do you think I am drunk? No, don't make a fool of
me. I know your dirty trick clearly. When I climb up on the half way,
you turn off the light, so I drop down!"

-- ZZD -- SIUC --
==========
Date:         Sun, 5 Sep 1993 21:52:05 CDT
From:         Zedai Zheng <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Chinese joke: Manliness

Chinese joke: Manliness

A crowd of husbands have a meeting discussing how to give rid of
the control of their wives. In order to check how many of them
are afraid of their wives, one participant suggests: "Those who
dread their wives please stand on the other side." All the men
come over to the side except one who stand unmoved. All the guys
express their admirations for his manliness and ask him to talk
some experience. He says: "My wife told me not stand in the place
where many people stand together."

----------------------------------------------------------- 29